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Born
to luxury in 1742, Diana Goodman, the infamous "Bastard of Castille" spent much of her life as a patron of the arts and professional gadabout.
Her funding of Manet and Degas was considered scandalously ahead of
its time, as she funded them nearly 100 years before they were even
born. Imprisoned from age 6 in her mountaintop castle Chateau Fromage
du Vent for plotting against the king of Belgium, Goodman spent her
early years receiving a classical education from a series of renowned
tutors brought all the way from Nashville. She applied this knowledge
to her new hobby: plotting against the grand-duke of Luxembourg.
An anti-Goodman political tract circa 1803.
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Moving
to Paris in 1763, Goodman found work as a nude model, but quit because
they wouldn't let her keep her socks on. Around this time she is believed
to have penned her most famous work of poetry, the unfinished masterpiece,
"Freebird."
Not
much is known of her later life. It is said she was a paramour of Napoleon's
older half-brother Ricardo, who supported her in her bid to overthrow
England's George VIII, who doesn't even exist.
Their stunning daylight water-balloon attack on Holyrood Castle
is marked every March 21 with the firing of a cannon six times off the
battlements, while the Queen's First Highland Interpretative Dance Regiment
wolf-whistle and make rude hand gestures.
She was
last seen during a bandit raid on Juarez, Mexico, dressed in men's attire
toting a six-shooter and a carpetbag full of gold bullion. Her fate
remains one of spelunking's great mysteries.
Either
that or she's a 29-year-old designer from San Francisco who
makes pop-culture infused accessories. Wholesale and retail.
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