Bad Baby Names 13

BABY'S NAMED A BAD, BAD THING
Fellow Collectors

Lauren's Vast Treasure Trove

I get lots and lots of e-mails from people with one or two weird names they've seen or heard, but rarely do I meet another person who collects them like other people collect stamps or baseball cards. I think we should start a club, and demand caconomenology - the study of ugly names - be recognized as a serious hobby, if not an Olympic sport.

Which brings us to Lauren. Lauren's a college student from Tennessee who has joined the fight against silly baby names. Ever since she worked in the baby department at Old Navy, she has been cataloging bad baby names in a Bad Name of the Day e-mail.

Her hunting grounds are even more unfortunate than mine - while I tend toward online bulletin boards, where pregnant ladies fish for ideas and maybe, MAYBE can be dissuaded, Lauren scours birth announcements and yearbooks, meaning the kids ALREADY have been saddled with these names and there's no turning back.

After seeing the copious lists she's got compiled, I just HAD to give her her own page. (She's also asked me to plug her Web site: http://hometown.aol.com/briarrose903/ where she addresses another vital issue of cluelessness: the mullet.)

I've tried to sort them by type of insanity, but some of them just plain defy explanation. I've left most joke-free, because sometimes, especially with a list this long and horrifying, it's hard to say something funnier than the name itself.

If you've got a comment that's funnier than all heck, that you're sitting there chuckling to yourself about right now, send it in! Best jokes will be posted and you will be ever-so-vaguely famous.

(Yup, I've gotten so busy - or lazy, take your pick - I'm collecting names AND jokes from readers. Sad, really.)

Keerazee cpellyngz

Jaxson Abelardo

Adyn Bridger

Antwon Lydell
This one drives me crazy. Antoine is a perfectly good name - if you really don't think people can pronounce it, pick something else. Otherwise it looks like the results of Ant vs. Rubbertree. Yup, Ant won.

Skylar Makinzy

Jayden Mokol

Cleo Janene

Kittie Catheryn
Despite her allergies, Mom was determined to have a pet cat by one means or another.
- Katie

Karryllinne Sweet
I must've stared at this for five minutes before I figured out it's just Caroline.

Kenadeigh Aiden
I never, in a million years, would have thought someone would have screwed with 'Kennedy.' Yes, caconomenology is a field of limitless suprises.

Jarret Kaylub

Nicklaus Santana

Destin Booth

Syllable exchange program

Kapsidee Faith

Keilynn Patrina

Deshawn Dewayne
De pain! De pain!

Tabeley Hayden
...cause Mom's a tabeley dancer!

Kaimen Haze
I'm guessing that was dad's contribution to the conception.
-SaintHedju

Camden Mayze
My people call it 'Camden Corn.'

Jamanda Erynn

Tylette Rasheen
...or perhaps Tylette Brush or Tylette Duck.

Nouns, celebrities, and other random words

Emmaleigh Rayven

Mailbu Cheyenne
Question: Does mom have a basic atlas? Answer: Malibu Cheyenne.

Delta Eta
I remember this frat from college! They had the BEST parties! At least, I think it was them, I don't really remember...there was something about a keg and a sheep...
- Tobi

Ram Thorne
OK, show of hands. How many vote "romance novel character"? And how many vote, "mid-sized truck with four-wheel drive"? OK, put your hands down, I can't actually see them, you know.

Diamond Caprice

Sapphire Begonia

Impala Sedan
No. This must be a joke. The "place of conception" naming trend has gone pretty far, but this, this is fake...right? Pretty please?

However, I hear she has a roomy backseat.
-Katie

Xenia Starr

July Kaeleigh

Captain Bonar
The new comic book mascot for Viagra.

Marigold Pasture

Lexus Deshay

Aspen Nyckolle

Gunnar Blayz
Says Lauren: This one sounds like an 80's arcade game.

Slade Claxton

Santana Key

Coral Oceana

Ink Brinley
Perry White's successor as the Daily Planet's editor.

Nova Payge

Odessa Mari
Isn't she Cala's sister?
-Shawn

Stetson Colone
More from Lauren: "I used to baby-sit these 3 kids and the oldest used to come home from school crying because the kids made fun of his name and his mother 'just couldn't understand why they'd do such a thing!'"

Ford Lightning
Available with 4-wheel drive, anti-lock brakes, GPS navigator, and tremendous ego.
- Katie

Celestial Rage
"Hello, I'm Celestial Rage! My mom's fifteen and she has black hair, black fingernails, a tattoo of a dragon on her ass, and she plays in a garage band. Will you be my friend?"

Saxon Darvun

Aaliyah Angelic

McCall Jada

Affleck Lamar
Well, there go two years of hypnotherapy down the drain. Do you have any idea how much it cost me to block out the memory of having seen "Armageddon"??

Sierra Reese

Kage Rodan
The people of Japan have tried for years to kage Rodan ever since he escaped Monster Island.

Steele Gage
What gage of steele should they make the kage out of?

Cambo Gage
Of course! They should use cambo gage steele to kage Rodan!

Snootily snootful

Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of "My, But Your Ascot is Smashing This Polo Season," presented by the Yale Class of 1914 Gilbert & Sullivan Society.

Cooper Harrison
Chandler Moore
Devon Jasper
Xander Dru
'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' fan Shannon points out these are two of the show's characters. Xander is a lovable "a loser vampire hunter who lives in his parents' basement" and Dru is "an insane female vampire who loves killing, sex, and being spooky, in that order." So does this name engender any....um....conflict? Yes. Does this name show that people who watch too much of the WB need targeted contraceptive assistance? Definitely.

Maddux Bryce
Harper Bennett
Lennox Dane
Guenther Bronwyn
Trayton Vance
Porter Starling
Gayden Sledge
Brock Cain
Enil Lionel
Brady Perrin
Blakely Grayben
Maston Greene
Young Quinley
Brighton Dade
Brigdon Krewe
Payton Dawson
Philena Gayle
Kace Grayson
Kylie Haven
Lansing Wade
Mason Rex
Preston Price
Knox Scott
Ryland Colton
Thurston Rafe
Foyle Trever

Total Freakin' Mysteries

Dayzunique Tylettrell Deiondrianiece

Sloe Harlotte
...and her sister, Retarded Prostitute.
-Natalie

Brogdon Fynn

Haidyn Elyssah

Phaire Ayven
Sing-a-long time! "Ain't Miss Phaire Ayven, I'm savin' all my love for yooooou!"

Dyce Hanley
Only a sucker would play craps with Dyce Hanley.

Yes, it's time for Guess That Name, the fabulous game show where we show you the outlandish spelling for a common name, and you stab wildly in the dark trying to figure out what the hell it is! Ready? OK, let's go!

Page 14
Voyage to the Bottom of the BBS